4. Medical Shows Need to Get a Goddamn Consult

A Critique of B Positive Episode 4 “Joint Pain”

Pre-Rona, I could never understand people who paid $30 for movie theater tickets plus the cost of snacks to text and talk on the phone throughout the movie. And because they were interfering upon my experience to get my money’s worth, I often spoke up about it.

“Could you be quiet please?” or “You need to get off the phone,” I would say, sometimes less politely than others.

Somehow people saw me as the problem — one they weren’t afraid to challenge, which meant my ex-college-linebacker husband was often put in the position of defending my honor, Bridgerton style. After two or six of such incidents, in order to keep us both out of trouble, we agreed to stop seeing movies in the theater on opening weekend.

I have tried to practice the same avoidance with medical-themed shows, but sometimes Hollywood just pops off medical stupidity when you least expect it. Like in Terminator Salvation when they did a f*cking HEART TRANSPLANT IN A TENT. No blood compatibility testing. No sterile supplies. No anti-rejection drugs. Just a, “John’s heart is too damaged to survive and he’s too important to die, so take mine” bullshit line.

This nonsense should not be allowed to continue unchecked, so here I am with another installment of my episode by episode by episode critique of medical-themed sitcom, B Positive. Here are the top inaccuracies/absurdities in order of appearance explained and rated on level of my subsequent eye rolling induced by Episode 4 “Joint Pain”:

1. Drew is standing over a toilet, giving himself a pep talk, “OK, man. It’s go time. Just pee like you have normal kidneys.” What’s wrong with this?: This is not how it works. One with failed kidneys does not just will themselves to make urine. And while sometimes kidneys recover from a sudden problem that is quickly reversed, the vast majority of kidneys shutdown under the weight of chronic problems like diabetes or hypertension. And then there is the issue of people assuming that because they still pee, their kidneys are fine. As I discussed in the “Frequently Asked Questions” section of my book: All pee ain’t good pee. The kidneys do so much more than just pass water. Rating: 🙄🙄 🙄 🙄 (for suggesting someone can think their way out of kidney failure)

2. Drew, under the influence of weed provided by his new dealer/potential kidney donor Gina, decides to go to his ex-wife Julia’s home to retrieve a memento from their relationship. Of course Julia comes home while he’s still there, and of course an argument ensues, which of course leads to hot and heavy petting, when Julia stops because she is afraid the sex will hurt his kidneys. What’s wrong with this?:. I’m not here to judge what happens between consenting adults, but one would have to be engaging in positions involving mixed martial arts or tackle football to “hurt” one’s kidneys. Anything short of high impact? — It’s good! Rating: 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄🖕🏽 (for making folks feel like people on dialysis can’t get their freak on)

3. Before Julia arrives, Drew had attempted to retrieve the memento — a ceramic owl — displayed on the top shelf of a ceiling high built-in. The shelf slides out and Drew falls backward onto hardwood floors. Fast forward to the after sex pillow talk, which involves Drew and Julia marveling at how fabulous the sex was and contemplating Round 2, when Drew suddenly screams in pain, grabbing his left lower back. Oh my God, is it his kidney?! Julia rushes Drew to the hospital, where eventually the doctor comes out to explain, “He’s gonna be fine. There’s no damage to his kidneys.” [cue sighs of relief] “It was a pinched nerve. He said he took a nasty fall.” What’s wrong with this?: Sure, he could have ruptured a kidney, but (1) it’s highly improbable that he would have been able to get his freak on before such an injury to show itself and (2) to say “no damage to kidneys” to a person with kidney failure is like telling somebody who just totaled their car that there’s no damage to the windshield wipers. But even though this guy fell on his back from a height of 6 feet or so, the first thing the pain is attributed to is the kidney. In general, people worry that any lower back pain is coming from their kidneys, completely ignoring the muscles and nerves in the same area. I get it. People are afraid and I’m just glad the show didn’t add to this fear by suggesting it was his kidneys. Rating: 🙄 🙄 🙄 (only 3 eyerolls, because it could’ve been handled worse)

Now for what they got right:

1. Jerry, the dentist dialysis patient, has confided in Gideon, the dialysis nurse (at least I hope he’s a nurse because it would be illegal for a technician to be unsupervised), things Eli, his ex-football player dialysis neighbor, was not aware of. What’s right about this?: Sure, Gideon disclosed Jerry’s personal business to everyone, but the point I want to make is how many dialysis patients bond with the staff. I don’t know if they fill the informal therapist role like bartenders or hair stylists, but a lot can come up in the roughly 12 plus hours a week they spend in each other’s presence and very real friendships do form. Rating: 🥰 (because we all need somebody to just listen sometimes)

Critique on episode 5 soon. Screenwriters and producers: Feel free to DM me.